August 19, 2008

maya's tale part three

almost.  it would have made the next 8 months much much easier.  you see after that first night she was my baby.  i know that i didn't carry her for 9 months or give birth to her but she was meant to be my girl and i knew it.  deep down in my heart i knew it.  basically what i am saying is that they would have had to pry her from my cold dead hands if they would have tried to take her from me.  dave said that we would have been in canada before anyone knew we were gone if they tried to give her back to her birth mom.  and we were serious.  anyone who has done foster care knows that is not how you should feel.  you should do like dave did for the first few months and keep her at a safe distance in your heart until things start towards the actual adoption.  he loved her and held her and took great care of her but not like she was his own yet. me, i was a lost cause.  in foster to adopt situations, with an infant, the parents have 8 months to get their act together before adoption happens.  they don't like to prolong it with infants and toddlers like they will with older children.  so we started with the plan.  visits with mom and court dates and court dates and did i mention court dates?  it is amazing to me how many court dates there are in an 8 month period.  it's like every time they have a question they have to have a court date to set a court date to ask the question.  holy crap it's annoying.  the visits were interesting.  i only went to one and they lied to her birth mom and told her i was an interning social worker.  because of her mental issues she was highly volatile towards me and most of the social workers.  luckily we had a fabulous social worker.  she knew how to care for the birth mom but not let her manipulate her.  that is a huge talent.  she also knew how to care for this fragile hearted little foster mom who was petrified right up until the adoption that they were going to take my baby away.  but wow...the rights that are given to the birth parents are amazing.  it wasn't as bad during maya's adoption as it was with peyton's.  but they have all the rights and they pull all of the strings.  as a foster parent you basically have no rights and you just have to do what you are told.  if this means showing up to 15 visits that birth mom never shows up to that is what you do.  if it is making sure that she gets pictures when she wants them then you do it.  never mind that she missed her last appointment to actually see her child because she was busy getting her nails done...or hair extensions...or just because she didn't feel like it that day.  i tell you what i have never spent so much time being frustrated in my life.  i was fighting for a child that wasn't mine biologically but that i wanted with every fiber of my being while the woman who actually gave birth to her was more concerned with trying to manipulate the system to get everything she possibly could get out of it.  it's funny because people sometimes tell me that i went about getting my children the easy way.  i dare any of them to try my way instead of theirs.  ha!  they wouldn't last two weeks!:D  jk maybe they would. but i wouldn't want them to have to.  this whole time things kept coming to our minds...all of the things that aligned themselves so that this girl came to our family.  the day we got her, as i mentioned before, i was not supposed to be home when they called.  they had already called two families before us and would have gone on to the next on the list had i not been home.  as they were calling families our little worker walked by the office and overheard their conversation and said, "i have just the family for you and they have a biological bi-racial child!"  that is very important when placing african american children.  so she helped egg that along.  if we wouldn't have done our foster parenting classes and gotten certified when we did she wouldn't have been in our home.  there were so many little things that lined up just perfectly to bring her here.  there is no question that she was meant to be part of our family.  i have to tell you this one story.  about a year after we had adopted her i went to a blessing at my niece's ward in saratoga springs.  i was out in the foyer with her and there was another lady with a little black baby out there as well.   we started talking. the day that maya was born her birth mom had contacted an adoption agency and tried to give the baby up for adoption.  of course she couldn't do that because maya was in state custody but the lady at the adoption agency didn't know this.  she had contacted this lady that i was talking to at the church to see if they wanted maya.  they said yes and for a few hours at least thought that they were getting maya.  then the agency found out what was really going on and called them back.  well, like 2 weeks later they got their little girl.  how cool is that?  out of all the people in the world she and i end up with our little girls in the foyer at a church that i don't even go to normally.  see, all of those cool things just kept happening.  dave & i would be sitting watching tv and one of us would turn to the other and say..."do you realize that if this would or wouldn't have happened we wouldn't have maya?".  mostly we did it to talk ourselves in to the fact that heavenly father wouldn't have gone to all of that trouble to just take her away from us.  well, so about 7 months in we finally had the last court date to determine if it was going to adoption or if they were going to give her birth mom more time.  For the first time we were going to spend time in the same room...the court room.  What an interesting day.


Adam and Kristina said...

Foster Care adoptions are the hardest adoptions, in my opinion. I loved adoptive parents, but it was hard for me too, for the reasons you described. You have to work on reunifying with the bioparents, but yet, this is your potential future child, so you need to develop a bond with them.

I did work with adoptive parents who would sabotage visits, etc., and there was one case where I had to remove from an adoptive placement because the adoptive parents were completely non-compliant. Very difficult situation.

You most definitely didn't do the easy thing.

Mel said...

It's amazing how things work out...especially what we have to go through some times. I do believe that what doesn't break us makes us stronger. You are a strong lady & a great mom. Your 3 girls are so lucky to have you...even if I did have to teach you to make koolaid & how not to burn toast ;)

Mindy said...

My friend at church told me that her sister had one of those times when you KNOW Heavenly Father's hand is in it... her sister couldn't have children, and had been trying to adopt. She worked at a law office, but she had a job where she never answered the phone. One day she happened to answer it, and it was a pregnant girl saying that she did not want a lawyer, she just wanted to know if someone there wanted to adopt her baby... anyway, there were more amazing things that happened, but sometimes you just know that those babies end up where they are supposed to.

haley said...

i have tears running down my face. reading this takes me back to the phone call that day. i cried really hard when i found out you were getting maya... totally unexpected. i was so freakin' happy for you i didn't know what to do!!!

Tanya said...

wow marci..i had no idea this is how you got maya...that's amazing! so meant to be!

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