January 1, 2010

settled in...

it started when i was in elementary school, i think.
my dreams of moving away from utah.
at first it was california. it was the magical land by the ocean.
i wanted to be a famous model or actress and live in malibu or beverly hills.
when i was 13 i went to help my older sister move home from seattle. then the california dreamin took a back seat to seattle.
in high school i dreamed of everywhere.
new york city where i would live in a very cool apartment right in the middle of everything. (think carrie from sex and the city.)
new england, where i would live in a small town that i could ride a bike around town and have a little family in a town where everyone knew each other. my husband and i would grow our own food and cook together and read books in bed. maybe i would own a little boutique of some sort.
the south, anywhere that was quaint and very southern. where ladies were ladies...again the small town where everyone knew each other and you could ride a little cruiser around town.
(think steel magnolias)
and for some reason, even though i never had the grades for it or even went to school much, i was always going to go away to some big university somewhere and be a child psychologist.
i was going to marry a man who was not from here and i was definately going to have some sort of career..

enter reality....i had a baby. after i had her i didn't want to work...at all. never saw that one coming. i married someone from the town i grew up in, who was also the first boy i ever kissed. he wouldn't move even 30 minutes from where we grew up. he's never read a book for the pleasure of it. he hunts. he's not a business man. we are definately not ever going to be wealthy.
i felt for a long time that i had settled.
i have dreamed about what my life could've been like had i followed my dreams when i was younger.

in the last year i have thought a lot about this. did i settle? did i get the life i wanted?
no...not even close.
the things that made me start to think differently happened last year. mady came home and told me that she didn't want to go out of state for school. she didn't want to be that far from home.
i know the parents of mady's friends, we went to school together. one of her friends whose parents are from out of state mentioned that she wished her parents knew people like i did. it was cool.
i started to notice certain things around me.
i know when the seasons are changing by the mountain that has looked over me my entire life.
the lady at the pharmacy has been there my since i can remember and she knows me.
i go to the same butcher that my parents went to...my dad bought many a t-bone from him.
i know every back road in this county...it helps greatly when driving the bus. my dad was a big 'take a drive guy' and it paid off.
every time i drive with someone they know someone i'm related to. either on my side or big d's. they love my mil and know the beautiful dodge girls...my mom's family.
people know me here. i always thought that was a bad thing but it turns out that my memories of myself are way worse than what others think.
most, anyways.;D
that's just the point i guess. my memories are here. my family is here for the most part. i have a place here.

do i still dream of living somewhere else? everyday. big d and i have even talked about moving to idaho after we drove through there on our way to spokane.
he might even live in eastern washington.
i still dream of the life that i may have had.
but i've learned that i love my life here too. i've fought it for so long but i've finally realized that's the truth.
so i guess what i'm trying to say is that i don't feel like i've settled, i feel like i've settled in to the life that i was supposed to have.

3 comments:

girlsmama said...

Beautiful.

don and jacki said...

Marci, it's called "maturity". It's when we finally realize all of the blessings that Heavenly Father has given us. Would we really want our lives any other way? You've put it down in words perfect! Love ya, Sis

Tanya said...

Wow....this is AWESOME! I love your insights!!!

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