July 31, 2011

the marketplace...

the last couple of years about this time
it seems like life has hit a rough patch.
there has been a lot of stress...
family stuff, money...yada yada yada.
my little bi-polar issue starts to rear
it's head in a most unpleasant way.
my husband's first words are this...
maybe you shouldn't do the show.
i think this may be his way of trying 
to get out of it...not sure.
the thing is this...
i LOVE doing it!
it is on my things that make me happy list.
it is such a great place to throw all
the creative manicness that comes
with these little episodes.
and it gives me something amazing
to look forward to.
i am sooo excited to decorate
the yard and maybe finish a project.
to dig out all of the stuff for my booth.
since he is on hiatus, maybe permanently,
from craft shows i have to do at least one!!
so, people who read my blog,
make sure to set september 17th aside.
i have some fabulous ideas this year
and can't wait to share them with you!!

i also want to share this with you because
this kid makes my heart happy.
specially when she sings...
she makes up her own songs and sings
about everything and anything.
turn up your volume and listen
to the next taylor swift.
*big smile*

what is missing is her walking down the hallway
and saying to me...
'yes!  i am emboressed'.

happy sunday!

July 28, 2011

an irish blessing...

May God give you...
For every storm a rainbow, 
for every tear a smile, 
for every care a promise and a blessing in each trial.
 For every problem life sends, a faithful friend to share,
 for every sigh a sweet song 
and an answer for each prayer.


July 26, 2011

my new creative love...

i have wanted to do collage art for a long time now.
i love it how they mix all kinds of good stuff together
and come up with something cool...love it.
i was so excited when i started soul restoration...
there that is again, sorry but it's been a huge part of everything lately for me.
bear with me.

reminds me of a story...my parents sent me away to one of those
wilderness camps a week before my 18th birthday
and when dave and i first got married it seemed like i said every day at least
twice...when i was in the desert. there was this one time at band camp. 
 it got so him and mady made fun of me on a 
regular basis about that.  please don't make fun of me for saying...'hey i learned
this one thing in soul restoration'.  it might be around for a while and soon i 
hope to take the 2nd round so then it will start all over again! bwahhha
just love me.

back to the subject at hand...where was i?
oh yeah, collage art.
when i started soul restoration
 she taught me about art journaling.
oh my fit made in heaven.
i love journaling...it has been an 
outlet for me since i was 8.
i could get all my teenage angst out on 
pages of a book and writing became
something to keep me sane sometimes.
i have journals for the two 
oldest girls...peytie's is coming!
i had a journal so full of sadness and grief 
that i tore it apart and burned it when
the big guy and i got married...but it was still
 something that helped me through hard times.
it was kind of cathartic to watch that baby burn,
 knowing that time of life was OVER!
so back again to the subject at hand.
i have been art journaling up a storm!
i LOVE it!!!

it's like that wall that you had in your room when
you were 14 that had all the esprit ads and pictures of madonna
and marc jacob ads with that girl with the long straight hair.
she was wayyy before her time back in the 80's,
 i also had tickets and love notes
and funny pictures that friends had drawn me.
my dad let me have that wall in my room at his house when i was 
in jr. high.  me and my friend had a blast making that wall.
anywho...art journaling is a lot like that.
a great big collage of art, ephemera, and journaling.
every person is going to do it differently 
but that is what makes it awesome!
that is what makes art awesome.
we all have our own interpretations and most all of them are
 beautiful in their own way.

so i wanted to share a little of my art journaling with you.
the other crazy thing is this...
i haven't created anything just for me for i don't
know how long.
i never make anything without thinking of selling it
or feeling guilty if i am not going to make money from it.
it's kept me from being truly creative and it's kept 
me from making things just for the sheer fun of it!!
no more, my friends, no more.

this is my happy journal...a place to fill with all the happy thoughts!
and to go to remind me of what my happy thoughts are 
when i need a gentle reminder.

every page doesn't have to be elaborate...just a little gesso and some paint
and i had the perfect place for a list of happiness.

i just mod podged things that make me smile on the inside...
there's lots more room to add more!

a page ready to be filled...yay!
then when i can't get all the paints and goodies out
i can still journal.

i found some old music that i have had since i was four and 
attended the peppermint house preschool.
it is safe and sound in a journal and somewhere that
 i can see it instead of being stuffed
in a box in the garage.  it's also a great place to
 gather my truths from brave girls club, 
graphics from some of the ladies who inspire
 me and all kinds of little goods.
i have even cut out pictures the girls have 
made and mod podged those in..

i'm tellin ya girls...it's been a ball!
i've used dave's old electrical books that he has had sitting around
forever, glued the pages together so they are a little thicker
and painted and mod podged and written and had so much fun.
it makes me feel like my creativity is still alive in there!
so there you go...show and tell.
*big Smile*

soul restoration started again today...
you know i'm going to say it...
go sign up!!!!
you are so worth it!


July 25, 2011

some time with friends...

i started blog stalking vanessa christenson
a few years ago. from her blog i found 
the apron girls.  the apron girls is a blog
made up of a group of women who share all 
sorts of good things with one another.
we give each other advice & recipes.
offer support and are just there when you need
another woman to talk to. i became an apron girl
and met some of the most incredible women i have 
ever met.  they are my friends i go to when 
i need advice or a shoulder to cry on or someone 
to just vent to. the other day i got to spend some
 time with two of them.  vanessa is moving to iowa
with her adorable little family and wanted our friend mindy
to take pictures of them before they set out to make
their new home on the prairie. mindy is an amazing
photographer and i got to be her location scout because
she isn't from out this way. it was sooo fun!!
she shared a couple of the  photos with me and
i had to share them with you!!

this is my gorgeous friend and her sweet little girl.

and this is the breathtakingly beautiful little valley that i live in...
am i lucky or what?
mindy captured it just perfectly.
she is a talented woman, and i loved getting to spend some
 time with these two amazing women!
thanks girls.

you can find vanessa here.
you can find the talented melinda smith here.


July 24, 2011

i am not...

a person who faith comes easily to.
this is the definition of faith...
faith  (fth)
1. Confident belief in the truth, value, or trustworthiness of a person, idea, or thing.
2. Belief that does not rest on logical proof or material evidence. .
3. Loyalty to a person or thing; allegiance: .
4. often Faith Christianity The theological virtue defined as secure belief in God and a trusting acceptance of God's will.
5. The body of dogma of a religion.
6. A set of principles or beliefs.

i'm not sure why exactly i am this way.
there has been situations in my life that have
made it difficult to believe in and trust people.
you certainly have to prove to me that you are 
worthy of those things in order for me to
give them to you.  as i get older i find
that there are more people that i do trust,
i think i am getting better at seeing what 
people are all about and what their intentions are.
i also have a problem with loyalty.
i consider it one of my greatest faults really.
and the funny thing is...
it says so at the chinese restaurant we always
eat at on the little paper menu that describes
what animal that you are.
that's weird, huh?
reading that is what made me see that in myself.

but for the last 8 months i have been really
struggling with faith in religion and god.
i will think it's there solid, faith,
but then something
comes along and the doubts creep back in.
i am an analyzer.  
i analyze everything and everyone.
i am also a thinker.
i think, think, think until my head hurts.
about everything.
worry and think.
it drives me a little batty sometimes.
i envy my sisters and my husband
who never waver in their faith in our
religion.  never ever.
they never give it a second thought.
it is just part of who they are.
i remember when i started doubting god.
i was in the fourth grade.
my family was in the happiest
place they had ever been.
things were going awesome
in my 9 yr old brain.
my parents were together,
we went to church,
my brothers had just gotten home 
from missions for our church.
we were living right according
to the standards we were taught.
then, it seemed like out of nowhere to me at the time,
my parents were getting divorced.
i didn't expect it.
when i remember it it seems like
it came from way out in left field and
i didn't see it till it hit me in the head.
maybe because i was so little, 
i don't know.
i found out later what happened
but i didn't see it then.
hell, i didn't see it until someone told me the truth
when i was much, much older.
and then it made sense.
the thing is this...
i prayed and prayed and prayed
that my parents wouldn't really
get divorced.
it happened anyways and 
i didn't understand at the time
that sometimes god answers our prayers
but it isn't always the way you want 
them to be answered.
so that is when the seed of doubt was planted.
i struggled and struggled with that from
then on...still struggling.
i married a returned missionary thinking
that would be the miracle cure to my doubts.
turns out just because someone is a returned 
missionary doesn't mean they are going
to be strong in their religion.
my faith had to come from me and me alone.
so here i am...
nearly 40 yrs old and still struggling.
i emailed my brother a few months ago.
he is also a thinker.
he doesn't push his belief onto others
and i knew that i could ask him a question
and get a neutral response.
the other people i would normally talk
to are either so faithful that they don't
quite understand how i can't be or 
they are completely anti-mormon.
i just needed someone who could give me
something different, i didn't know what for sure.
i just knew it had to be something different.
so i asked him...i can't even remember what
for sure now.
his answer was this...i am not
the right person to talk
to about religion but i am so proud of you
for questioning things.
that's not word for word but pretty close.
now, you have to know this,
i have been dying for the approval 
of my brothers for as long as 
i can remember.
they are intelligent and lived outside
of utah and i have always
wanted them to think that i wasn't just some
hick from utah.
so to hear this from him was 
monumental to me.
no-one else would have given me 
that response and for some
reason that response gave me peace.
that is was ok for me to think differently
than those around me.
it was ok for me to question.
then came more thinking along those lines.
i will probably never be full of faith.
i don't know that i have that in me.
it's not just part of my nature.
but i like that about myself.
it's not necessarily a bad trait.
i have to learn things for myself.
my oldest is the same...it's hard to see sometimes
as a mom but i know those lessons will come
in their own time with her too.
the last 8 months i have also
been blessed with an amazing amount
of women online who are full of faith.
women from all different religions
that are connected with one great faith.
faith in heavenly father and jesus christ.
it has been a great inspiration for me.
after taking soul restoration
(which is starting tuesday again!)
i had a peace in me that i am not sure
i have ever felt.
things came into perspective.
the people in my life, my faith, my family,
the things that matter most to me.
i have grown immensely.
i still have a long way to go
and i know with my bi-polar that i will
never be completely 'fixed' emotionally but
i am starting to see things clearly and 
have been able to know when things
are bi-polar and when things are me.
i have always wondered do i say 
'i am bi-polar or i have bi-polar"
i am definately not defined by bi-polar.
it is one of the trials i will deal with in life.
it has brought me and my husband
compassion for those who suffer from it.
in his line of work i can't tell you how 
much my struggles have helped him 
help other people who are suffering.
so, back to the subject.
for some reason i had a peace after
 working through 'soul restoration'.
i didn't have any more faith but knew
that it was something that i had to work
out for myself.
it didn't make me a bad person...
it just was something that was 
a part of me.
one little part in a million others.
i decided that i would go back to church
as long as it was something that
 i wanted in my life.
not because i felt guilty not taking my girls,
not because it was embarrassing to be
one of  the only ones 
on our block who didn't attend church on sunday.
not because i didn't want to let other people down.
i would go because it was something
that would help my life be better.
it has to be about me.
i know that sounds so selfish but here is the way i look at it...
if i go for any of those other reasons my faith will not grow.
i won't believe because someone else expects that from me.
i will not grow if i go for someone else.
i will only take in what is offered to me there if 
i am open to receiving it.
i am that kind of person.
if you feed me something i don't want...
it'll come right back out or not sink in at all.
so...i sat out for awhile.
i let myself be ok with sitting out for awhile.
no guilt, no shame, just pondering.
i have read so many women over the last little while
talk about their amazing faith.
hopefully someday i will know without a doubt
that it's all true.  
i do know this right now.
i will go because i want to go.
i will go because i feel like even if  i will never 
 feel like it's all true without a doubt it 
makes my life and the life of my family better.
i want the very best for my family and if
my girls can have the opportunity to feel
absolute faith then i want
 them to have that chance.
i want for them what i can't have.
isn't that what being a mother is all about?

thanks for letting me ramble.
if you made it all the way to the end
of this long ole thing you love me
and i thank you for that!!


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